A Second Chance

17 Nov

My husband and I have been blessed again with a beautiful baby. This time around there were no health problems or complications. We said hello to a healthy 9 pound baby boy on September 18th.

Elisha Blanket

About 8 months pregnant with the blanket I made for our son.              Elisha Cypher King Rozier

I didn’t share my pregnancy online until I was about 8 months along. My reclusiveness was out of fear, honestly. Fear that it was too good to be true. It really did not fully register that he would be here. That he would be real. After the loss of one child, the ability to accept the blessing of another is complicated. It was in my subconscious not to get my hopes up, in case something went wrong. I was already preparing for the worst. There was also a feeling of guilt. Like I was somehow forgetting or ungrateful for our daughter Areli because we had moved on. Like we were replacing her. Well, that just wasn’t true at all. But it’s funny how your emotions can fool your brain into thinking something is true when your mind/spirit is trying to protect itself.

After two miscarriages and the death of our newborn daughter, and having to rehash all of it with every doctor and nurse, etc… I began to feel like I “deserved” this fate. For my brain, it became- oh, we are pregnant again- I remember how this goes- BADLY. Keeping all this bottled up, telling myself he will be fine while getting prepared for him throughout pregnancy- it was overwhelming trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

During delivery, my baby’s heart rate kept dropping. Over and over again with each contraction. I thought, oh- here we go, this is the problem I’ve been expecting. I broke into tears, with my family there in the delivery room. “Calm down, he’s fine, everything is going to be alright.” They said. Unbeknownst to them, my fear was so deeply rooted at this point, the tears wouldn’t be put away that easily. We all said a prayer together. The nurse finally turned down the machine that was monitoring his heart rate so it wouldn’t stress me so much. After what seemed like forever, (which it really wasn’t.. contractions started at 5 am, then the actual pushing started around 5:30 pm, and he was out at 6 pm on the dot) it turned out that the umbilical cord was wrapped around his chest and shoulders, making it very difficult for him to breathe. He was a purplish color, which scared me, but after a while he started breathing normally. His heart rate had to be monitored, as he had a slight murmur. But this too became normal after some time. His strength is still emanating, as he began crawling attempts before he was 6 weeks old! And now at almost 8 weeks old, he is making awesome progress. He smiles often, attempts to speak, responds to familiar words/actions and is all around very aware of his surroundings. I can tell he will be giving me much to brag about!

Daddy and Cypher

When I think about the time I spent being drenched with worry and doubt, it seems like such a blur. Those moments are so heavy when you’re in them, they feel much longer than they really are. It felt like I was going to be pregnant forever! I had it summed up to this: no matter the outcome of this, it is what’s supposed to happen. I can handle it. I will be stronger. I will have a testimony to help others. And it was! And I did! And I am! And I do! My testimony (right now) is this: Your story is not finished being written. You may already have a testimony. A struggle or tragedy that happened. Something you overcame and moved on from. A scar whose pain still effects your life, but in a manner unseen, or maybe even unknown in your subconscious. But you cannot be stuck there. It may only be stage one, or two, or five out of one hundred. Or one thousand! A set up for what is to come. You will be paid back for your struggle. It may take time. Areli was born almost exactly four years ago! And it may take much longer than that! BUT you have to be open to receive your blessing. Your testimony is ever evolving. Understanding this now is almost strange to me. When languished in prayer on one of the tougher days during pregnancy, I heard that as my answer. “Your testimony isn’t finished.” Of course, that didn’t provide an answer about a healthy baby. But it did give me hope and comfort at the time. And now, it gives me understanding.

A preg

I hope that my story(ies) help someone. Even if only one person reading this, or my other posts, can take an ounce of hope from it, then I am fulfilled.

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Now- to find a balance of how to be a mom and run a business… which has so obviously been neglected at this point! Hey- don’t judge me, a lot more happened in my life besides being pregnant! Four months of which were spent in an extended stay hotel! Oh yes, the struggle was really real! But that is why I’m posting this with such honesty. Because I am confident that no matter how many times I fail, or succeed, it is more important to enjoy the ride. And if I can touch the life of another in the process, what more could I ask for?

Stay tuned for my new life as a Momtrepreneur!!

xo,

A.Roze

P.S. A couple things that helped me when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through:

1. Writing poetry.

2. Writing letters to my unborn son.

3. Doing projects that had to do with him, and the future. (Making blankets, putting together his crib, preparing his clothes, etc.)

4. Prayer!

5. Taking care of myself- hot showers, eating a healthy meal, stretching, meditating, etc.

6. Getting out of the house, enjoying other interests.

7. Enjoying the current moments I had with him instead of worrying about the future. (listening to music together, recording his movement, looking at ultrasound photos, sending them to friends & family.)

E blanket

A couple projects that kept me busy during pregnancy!                                   Let me know if you’d like a tutorial on how to make easy appliqué blankets for a future post!!!

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